Ever felt overwhelmed by the modern world’s insistence on equality, nuance, and basic historical literacy? Are you tired of safe spaces, accurate textbooks, and the terrifying possibility that someone might call out your Facebook meme as racially coded? Fear not, weary time traveler. Grab your pearls, clutch your rosary, and buckle up—because The Good Ol’ Days™ are calling, and they’ve got just the color palette you’re comfortable with: beige.
This is your all-expenses-paid brochure to the golden years of America’s memory-holed utopia. It’s like Disneyland, but the only color options are white or help.
Your Itinerary: Simpler Times, Simpler People
Morning:
Start your day with a hearty breakfast at Whites-Only Waffle House. The waitstaff may not have rights, but they sure have smiles! You’ll be seated by a cheerful housewife with no credit score, no autonomy, and a Valium prescription more regular than her period.
Afternoon:
Enjoy a stroll through neighborhoods with names like “Pleasant Grove” or “Freedom Acres”—now with 98% less diversity and 100% more American flags per capita. Don’t worry, the lawns are tidy and the neighbors all think Martin Luther King was “too radical.”
Evening:
Catch a drive-in movie where men were men, women were plot devices, and the Black character dies first—if he’s lucky enough to be written in. Pair it with a Lucky Strike and some government-issued denial.
Packing Suggestions:
- Emotional repression
- One white nuclear family (with optional closeted uncle)
- 3 oz. of bootstraps for blaming the poor
- A pocket Bible for judging, not reading
- And of course, a sturdy pair of rose-colored glasses
Must-See Sights
1. The Historical Amnesia Museum
Come see exhibits like “Slavery Ended in 1865 So Let’s Stop Talking About It,” “Rosa Sat So I Could Feel Comfortable Using the N-word at Karaoke,” and “Jim Crow? Wasn’t that a country singer?”
2. SuburbiaLand
Each cul-de-sac is guaranteed to come with a heterosexual couple, 2.5 children, and one racial joke told “in good fun.” HOA-approved segregation at its finest!
3. The Glass Ceiling Observation Deck
Bring your daughters! They can peer up at the men-only boardrooms while being reminded they’ll never get maternity leave or equal pay, but hey, at least they’re not in Saudi Arabia, right?
4. The Whitewashed War Memorial
Salute to our veterans! But only the white ones. Here, you’ll hear tales of valor from soldiers who “saved Europe” and never once had to share a foxhole with someone who didn’t look like their dad.
Cultural Experiences
“Ask Me Anything (Except About Race)” Panels
Enjoy riveting conversations with white men who have never been marginalized but are absolutely experts on what oppression feels like. Bonus points if they quote MLK out of context.
Stepford Spouses™ Workshops
Ladies can learn how to keep a man with tuna casserole, quiet smiles, and crushed dreams. Husbands will be taught how to cry only once, and only when a car won’t start.
The Misremembering Booth
Step inside and reframe your entire family’s legacy. Turn that Confederate great-grandfather into a “States’ Rights Activist” in just under 30 seconds!
Souvenirs from The Gift Shop
- “Back in My Day” bumper stickers
- Spray-on Patriotism™ – because nothing says freedom like yelling at baristas
- Candles scented like asbestos, Marlboros, and lead paint
- A vintage globe that only includes Europe and the U.S.
- A vinyl copy of “Separate but Equal: The Musical”
What’s Not Included in Your Package?
- Critical thinking
- Intersectionality
- Universal healthcare
- Actual equality
- Any sense of irony
🛑 Exit Through the Reality Check
If you’ve made it this far and you’re thinking, “But not all white people—”
Take a breath. Sit in it.
If you’ve ever said, “I just miss when America felt safer,” ask yourself who was safe, and who was being quietly erased.
The 1950s weren’t idyllic. They were filtered. Photos were black and white because so was everything else. Women couldn’t open a credit card without a husband. Black children were spit on for wanting an education. Queer people were institutionalized. But the cigarettes were cheap and nobody had to learn pronouns, so let’s slap that on a throw pillow and call it heritage, right?
🎙️Final Thought (That Isn’t Cute or Wrapped in a Bow)
Nostalgia isn’t innocent when it erases pain.
Longing for the past doesn’t excuse refusing to grow.
And preferring the 1950s? That’s not a personality.
It’s a confession.