New from the makers of Denialitol and Narcissin comes Dumbexia™ — the first daily prescription medication designed specifically for people who think “I did my own research” is a personality type.
Who Should Take Dumbexia™?
- People who think Bill Gates microchipped the vaccine.
- Individuals who scream “free speech!” before blocking you.
- Relatives who still believe Trump is playing 4D chess and JFK Jr. is just running late.
- Anyone who has ever said, “Well actually, slavery wasn’t that bad.”
Dumbexia™ isn’t just a medication—it’s a public service.
How It Works: Dumbexia™ delivers slow-release facts into the bloodstream via a micro-dissolving tablet. Once ingested, it travels directly to the part of the brain responsible for conspiracy hoarding and Facebook forwarding. Early clinical trials show that within 20 minutes, users can spell “Pfizer” correctly and stop referring to TikTok videos as “peer-reviewed.”
Results may vary depending on Wi-Fi strength and whether or not the subject has ever visited a library.
Real Testimonials:
“I thought 5G towers were making frogs gay. Then I took Dumbexia™. Now I’m a substitute biology teacher!”
— Brent, 37, Missouri
“Before Dumbexia™, I believed the Earth was flat. Now I just think it’s emotionally unavailable.”
— Tara, 29, Utah
“I used to get all my news from memes. Now I read The Atlantic and cry in public like a responsible adult.”
— Derek, 41, Florida
Common Side Effects May Include:
- Spontaneous empathy.
- Loss of blind patriotism.
- Temporary inability to watch Joe Rogan without gagging.
- Mild confusion during the reading of actual books.
- Emotional side effects like: shame, regret, and the urge to pay taxes.
Rare but serious side effects include quoting actual scientists, apologizing to teachers, and losing 4,000 Facebook friends in one week.
Ask Your Doctor If Dumbexia™ Is Right for You.
Especially if:
- You once argued that climate change isn’t real because “it snowed in April.”
- You think critical race theory is a vitamin supplement.
- You proudly display “I survived COVID without the jab” while breathing through your mouth.
Note: Dumbexia™ may not be effective for those with prolonged exposure to Tucker Carlson.
Why Dumbexia™, Why Now?
America is experiencing a full-blown epidemic of weaponized ignorance, and frankly, it’s contagious. If you’ve ever sat in a family dinner where your cousin quoted QAnon between bites of deviled eggs, you know we’re beyond masks and mandates. We need pharmacological intervention.
The CDC has issued no official guidelines, but they’re thinking about it really hard. In the meantime, Dumbexia™ is here to offer you and your loved ones the chance to detox from the intellectual dumpster fire that is 21st-century discourse.
Because we believe in a future where people fact-check before forwarding, where textbooks matter more than Facebook groups, and where your neighbor finally stops saying “I’m not a scientist, but…”
Coming Soon:
- Narciton XR: Extended-release humility for Instagram influencers.
- Karenex: Emergency spray for premature managerial energy.
- InvisiFeel™: For men who experience emotions and don’t want to throw furniture.
Because when the brain goes offline, Dumbexia™ logs you back in.
Now available at Walgreens, CVS, and probably your ex-boyfriend’s mom’s house.