Welcome to the future: where the oceans have risen, the temperature is lava-adjacent, and America’s retirement plan is a half-used candle from Hobby Lobby labeled “HOPE.” In this brave new world, Medicaid and Social Security have officially been replaced with a federal program called Thoughts and Prayers, which is just a pop-up window that plays soft piano music while a bald eagle cries. It’s technically bipartisan, because neither party wants to admit they’re responsible for your grandma’s untreated pneumonia.
Let’s be honest—we’ve all seen this coming. We live in a country where the solution to gun violence is “more guns,” where school shooting drills are part of the curriculum but teaching Black history is considered too political. Where police tanks are budgeted, but school lunches are “extras.” Where rainbow capitalism thrives every June, but actual queer rights? We’ll have to check the vibe in Congress after brunch.
And now, in this shimmering dystopia, your pension is a bumper sticker that says God’s Got This, and your healthcare provider is an Instagram mom who sells essential oils and “energy crystals charged by the Lord.” If you’re over 65, congratulations: your only benefit is a Facebook group called “Old But Blessed” that auto-sends you gifs of kittens praying every time you type “back pain.”
Of course, global warming was once “a theory,” until it started broiling the Midwest like a baked potato. Now we’ve got Category 7 hurricanes, spontaneous combustion in Phoenix, and an annual tradition called “California Fire Season,” which lasts from March to February. But hey, at least we finally stopped debating climate change when a senator burst into flames on C-SPAN. Progress!
Meanwhile, beachfront homes are underwater—literally—and billionaires are relocating to floating condos above Wyoming. Miami’s official language is now gurgling. New York smells like a crockpot of wet socks and boiling rat. And Texas is so hot it seceded from reality and now only accepts currency in brisket and Bible quotes.
But fear not—the government has solutions! They’ve planted exactly 37 trees in total, most of them plastic, and introduced a new federal holiday: “Greenwashing Tuesday,” where corporations post selfies with ferns while quietly lobbying to drill for oil in national parks. America may be on fire, but at least ExxonMobil changed their logo to green.
As for racism? Still thriving, now with AI support. Facial recognition software is biased, predictive policing is just racism with an Excel sheet, and history books are being rewritten to suggest slavery was “a complex unpaid internship.” You can’t mention white supremacy in schools anymore, but don’t worry—Confederate statues now have QR codes that link to bootleg YouTube documentaries about “heritage.” Meanwhile, systemic inequality is now sold as “character building.”
Sexism also got a tech upgrade. Women still earn less, but now they get to do it while being live-streamed, doxxed, and asked “what were you wearing?” in high-definition. The Supreme Court, mostly composed of judges who think bras are witchcraft, has declared that women’s bodily autonomy depends on what phase the moon is in and whether Greg from HR had a good breakfast. In a surprising twist, uteruses are now considered national landmarks, but only if they belong to corporations.
Homophobia? Alive and well, now branded as Religious Liberty™. LGBTQ+ rights are considered optional, based on your zip code and the emotional state of your governor. “Don’t say gay” laws have expanded into “Don’t say queer, trans, drag, or RuPaul,” and pronouns are now subject to background checks. Meanwhile, pastors on TikTok are yelling into ring lights about “traditional values” while texting shirtless selfies to their secret Grindr alt.
And let’s not forget cancel culture—the boogeyman of the privileged. Billionaires whining that they can’t make jokes about poor people anymore while standing on yachts made of ivory and hubris. Every time someone says “you can’t say anything these days,” they mean “I miss being awful without consequences.” There’s a difference between being silenced and being held accountable. Karen wasn’t canceled. She was corrected. With receipts.
Religion, too, has had a glow-up—by which I mean it’s gone full MLM. Mega-churches have rebranded as “Faith-Based Wellness Centers,” and tithing now includes subscribing to a pastor’s OnlyFans where he reads scripture shirtless. Jesus is trademarked. Bible verses are sponsored. And salvation costs $9.99/month unless you bundle with a Joel Osteen tote bag. The separation of church and state? More like friends with benefits.
The government now hosts “Prayer Summits” instead of passing legislation. School counselors are replaced with men holding signs that say “Trust God, Not Therapy.” And mental health care is offered only through an app that tells you to drink water, think happy thoughts, and ignore your trauma like a good little patriot. It’s not wellness—it’s denial in yoga pants.
But hey, the flag’s still waving. Sort of. It’s mostly held together with duct tape and student loan debt, but it’s still there, flapping over a Walmart where insulin is $1,200 and the power keeps flickering. The anthem plays every time someone buys a gun, even if it’s just to walk their dog. And we salute not out of pride, but because we’re shading our eyes from the smog-filled sun.
So here we are. A future so absurd it makes Idiocracy look like a cautionary tale from Sesame Street. Where freedom means being free to suffer, protest means being tased with a smile, and progress is whatever got the most likes on TikTok today. The only thing we export reliably now is irony.
But don’t worry—we’ve got Thoughts and Prayers. They’ll hold your hand as the floodwaters rise. They’ll whisper sweet nothings when your paycheck vanishes. They’ll be there, soft and useless, while justice rolls uphill and climate change throws hands. So close your eyes, bow your head, and repeat after me: “This is fine.”