In a shocking development sure to devastate influencers and doom-scrollers everywhere, the music industry has reportedly remembered that “music” is not just a series of sped-up chorus clips for choreographed hand dances. Insiders say executives are shifting away from signing artists based solely on virality and now want… checks notes… talent?
Yes, friends, it appears that the same industry that gave a three-album deal to someone who rapped about fruit snacks in their Hyundai Elantra has now decided that maybe—just maybe—“musicality” should matter again.
And just like that, a thousand ring lights went dark.
Labels to New Artists: “Can You Sing Without AutoTune and Trauma Bait?”
According to leaked strategy decks from major labels (or possibly just the mood board from someone’s Spotify Wrapped), industry gatekeepers are pivoting. No longer is a viral TikTok with a sad-girl piano loop and a hook about being “hot but emotionally unavailable” enough to land a record deal.
“We’re focusing on longevity,” one exec said while deleting their Gen Z slang glossary. “We want voices that can carry a song—not just an algorithm.”
Which is great news for anyone with vocal range and devastating news for that one guy who made a career out of lip-syncing breakup texts into his vape cloud.
Artistry? In This Economy?
The shift allegedly began when label execs realized most viral songs plateau faster than a lo-fi hip hop study playlist. They dominate for a week, maybe two, then vanish into the abyss alongside sea shanty remixes and Olivia Rodrigo TikTok duets.
So now, in a bold act of rebellion against their own business model, they’re seeking musicians who write albums. Who know how to perform live. Who can hold a bridge without collapsing emotionally or literally.
This radical concept has been dubbed “artistry,” and while it’s still in beta testing, early adopters report that it “sounds better” and “doesn’t cause chronic whiplash.”
Social Media Influencers React with Grief and Glitter
Not everyone is thrilled. Popular TikTok stars—many of whom accidentally became musicians after one viral video and a hastily booked studio session—are reeling.
“I thought I was getting signed because of my unique voice,” said one influencer, whose debut single features the chorus line “We were trauma bonding / Now you’re double tapping her post.” “Now they’re saying I need stage presence? That wasn’t part of the brand deal.”
Elsewhere, a 23-year-old with 8 million followers and a synth-pop song about existential dread filmed in a Target parking lot posted a tearful video captioned: ‘They said my song lacked depth. It’s literally about me crying on mushrooms in Joshua Tree??’
Back to Basics, or Just a New Marketing Gimmick?
Critics argue this shift might be less about musical integrity and more about rebranding. After all, “long-term artistry” is a great way to repackage the same old capitalism with a new, indie-filtered font.
Because let’s be honest—this is still the industry that autotuned the soul out of R&B and replaced emo rock with 19-year-olds whispering about trauma over trap beats.
A&R reps: “We’re looking for the next Joni Mitchell.”
Also A&R reps: “But can she go viral singing it in her bathrobe?”
What This Means for Actual Musicians
For artists with instruments, lyrics longer than 11 words, or the nerve to take three minutes to tell a story—it might finally be your time.
Dust off that EP. Bring out the bridge. Sing a full verse that isn’t just reverb and the phrase “I’m so tired.”
Of course, you’ll still need an aesthetic. The music industry didn’t completely grow a conscience. They’re still judging you by your album cover fonts and whether your vibe is “witchy depression” or “sad cowboy in therapy.”
But at least they might listen to the second verse now.
This could be the beginning of a beautiful era—or just another brief flirtation with sincerity before they run back to the comfort of clickbait hooks and saxophone samples ripped from 80s sitcoms.
Final Thought from the Bee with the Record Deal
Still, it’s worth celebrating. Even if you’re still forced to go viral to stay relevant, at least now you might be signed for the right reasons.
So here’s to melody. Here’s to lyrics that don’t rhyme “dead” with “bed” unless you really mean it.