You ever hear something so absolutely batshit that your brain short-circuits trying to process it? Like, your eyebrows do that confused slant, your jaw unlatches, and you momentarily disassociate while wondering if we, as a species, deserve to survive? Yeah—welcome to the glittery underbelly of conspiracy culture.
Now listen, I’m no stranger to questioning authority. I grew up under conservative fundamentalism, got kicked out for being gay, survived “pray-the-gay-away” torture disguised as salvation, and watched an entire country split in two over whether masks were tyranny. So I get it. I really do. The desire to believe there’s a bigger story going on. That something—anything—makes sense of the nonsense.
But then someone tells me birds aren’t real, and I remember: some folks truly need adult supervision and maybe a nap.
Let’s unpack some of the most ridiculous conspiracy theories I’ve ever heard, encountered, or side-eyed while whispering, “Are y’all okay?”
1. Birds Aren’t Real
Apparently, every bird you’ve ever seen is a government surveillance drone. That’s right—your grandma’s birdfeeder? A Homeland Security outpost. That pigeon that pooped on your windshield? A targeted strike by the FBI. I once dated a guy in Dallas who, halfway through brunch, told me he believed robins hadn’t been “naturally occurring” since 1983. I quietly paid the check and changed my number before the eggs Benedict hit my stomach.
2. 5G Causes COVID (And Controls Your Mind)
Y’all. I had throat cancer. I’ve been through radiation, chemo, and the whole “my immune system is on PTO” experience. So imagine my face when someone earnestly suggested that my cancer was probably caused by standing near a 5G tower. According to this brilliant theory, 5G doesn’t just give you cancer—it also manipulates your thoughts. Which, if you’ve read my blog before, is frankly offensive. My thoughts are already chaotic and unhinged without Verizon’s help.
3. The Earth Is Flat
Listen. I don’t have the time or the blood pressure medication to argue with someone who thinks the Earth is a gluten-free cracker. The same people who believe this also believe there’s a giant ice wall around the edge of the Earth guarded by NASA. I’ve been to the Grand Canyon. I’ve been to the top of Mount Bonnell. Gravity is doing exactly what she’s supposed to do. If the Earth is flat, then I’m a straight, cisgender Republican woman named Carol who enjoys mayonnaise and silence.
4. Beyoncé Is in the Illuminati
Beyoncé? Illuminati? Absolutely not. The woman gave us Lemonade, carried Coachella on her back, and still had time to raise three kids while redefining Black excellence. That’s not secret society work—that’s being the moment. What is suspicious, though, is how she hits every note live and has stamina for full choreography. Maybe that’s the conspiracy: she’s just a Virgo with superhuman precision. Let’s investigate that.
5. Lizard People Run the Government
Ah yes, the OG of delusional lore. Politicians, celebrities, and CEOs are allegedly all part of a reptilian race from another planet here to enslave humanity. I’ve worked in long-term care and managed three hotels—I’ve seen humans at their worst. We don’t need lizard overlords; Karen from Room 412 demanding a refund because her dog didn’t like the lighting is proof that evil walks among us just fine in human skin.
Honorable Mentions:
- Avril Lavigne died in 2003 and was replaced by a clone named Melissa.
- Denver International Airport is the headquarters of the New World Order.
- Stevie Wonder isn’t actually blind.
- Finland doesn’t exist (seriously, Google it).
The Real Conspiracy? Willful Ignorance.
Here’s the thing—conspiracy theories usually take root when people feel powerless. When the truth is too scary, or the systems too big to fight, folks look for smaller, more digestible boogeymen. It’s easier to believe Taylor Swift is a time-traveling witch than it is to admit that capitalism is killing us and the healthcare system is one sprained ankle away from collapse.
But while some theories are harmless fun (looking at you, Avril Lavigne truthers), others are genuinely dangerous. I’ve lost people to vaccine misinformation. I’ve watched anti-LGBTQ+ conspiracies lead to real-world violence. And I’ve personally been the subject of “you’re going to hell” conspiracy-adjacent rhetoric that weaponized faith to erase me entirely.
So laugh, yes. Mock with gusto. But remember: behind every ridiculous theory is often a desperate person, a deep wound, or a broken trust. And while I can’t fix that (I’m not Beyoncé), I can write about it with a mix of sarcasm, sadness, and just enough hope that maybe—maybe—one of those birds is watching… and judging.
And if it is, I hope it sees me flipping it off with my Wi-Fi on and my popcorn salted.