Latest posts
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Snowflake Is Melting Down: Trump Labels His Hurt Feelings Treasonous
The Founding Fathers Forgot to Mention That Napping is Now a State Secret Donald Trump has finally invented a new branch of jurisprudence called “feelings treason,” where noticing a seventy-nine-year-old man is tired is punishable by the full force of the internet. It was only a matter of time before Donald Trump, a man who
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Gavin Newsom Wants Democrats to Be Normal, Even If It Means You Have to Disappear
The Governor of California has discovered the secret to winning 2028, and it involves throwing the most vulnerable people in his coalition into a closet labeled “Later.” There is a specific kind of political epiphany that only happens in rooms where the bottled water costs twelve dollars and the audience is composed entirely of people
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FEMA 2.0: The Ultimate Subscription Service for Survival (Basic Tier Only)
Because nothing says “efficient government” like firing half the lifeguards while the pool is on fire. If you have been looking at the escalating climate apocalypse—the hurricanes that now have their own Instagram influencers, the wildfires that are visible from Mars, the floods that are turning basement apartments into aquariums—and thinking, “You know what this
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The Federal Reserve Just Handed You a Discount Coupon for a Store That Is On Fire
Jerome Powell is the tired referee in a game where the scoreboard is broken, the players are cheating, and the owner is screaming from the luxury box to let the home team win or else. If you want to understand the current state of the American economy, you do not need to look at a
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The Remake is Always Worse: Why the War on Venezuela is Just the Iraq Script with an Orange Trump Filter
We have seen this movie before, and spoiler alert: the ending involves a lot of sand, a lot of blood, and absolutely zero refunds. The American military machine has always had a flair for the cinematic, but the recent seizure of the oil tanker Skipper off the coast of Venezuela felt less like a naval
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The Hunt for Red October, But Stupid: How a Lying Tanker Became the Star of the Trump’s New Action Franchise
The scene was practically storyboarded for a campaign ad before the first rotor blade chopped the Caribbean air. It had the granular, high-definition aesthetic of a Michael Bay movie that went straight to streaming, complete with the requisite color grading that makes the ocean look dangerously teal and the American military hardware look like the