(Spoiler: I do not.)
Ah yes, oral chemo and throat cancer: a dynamic duo so fun, I can barely contain my joy between dry heaves. If you’ve never tried it, you’re seriously missing out. Here are my top 20 reasons why this experience is everything I dreamed of—and less.
1. Nausea as a Lifestyle
I love waking up every morning and playing “will I barf, or just dry heave while staring at a cracker?” The suspense keeps things spicy.
Yes, I have Phenergan and Zofran—thanks for asking.
Do they help?
Sure.
They also turn your entire digestive system into a cement mixer. So it’s less “relief” and more “choose your own intestinal adventure.
2. The Flu That Never Ends™
You know that achy, flu-ish feeling that makes you want to curl up and die? Now imagine that, every day. With a twist of existential dread.
3. Dehydration Olympics
Water? Disgusting. Hydration? A myth. But hey, at least my kidneys are learning what it’s like to be in a desert.
4. Vertigo Vibes
Love pretending I’m on a carnival ride every time I stand up. It’s like Six Flags, but with more vomiting and fewer safety regulations.
5. Rage, But Make It Medicinal
Ever screamed at a doorknob because it looked at you wrong? No? Then you’ve clearly never been on steroids, chemo, or the edge of your own sanity.
6. “Sleep” Is Just a Concept Now
I lie in bed from 2am to 6am pondering big questions like, “Did I take my meds?” and “Why does my esophagus feel like it’s chewing glass?”
7. The Ghost of Meals Past
Every food is either tasteless, disgusting, or emotionally triggering. But yes, please, tell me again about your new air fryer.
8. Social Life? What’s That?
My best friends are the heating pad, the nausea bucket, and the quiet sob I let out between episodes of whatever I’m hate-watching.
9. Emotional Intimacy Is for the Healthy
Relationships are thriving, if by “thriving” you mean me growling like a wounded raccoon every time someone asks how I’m doing.
10. The Brain Fog Ballet
I used to be clever. Now I forget what I’m saying halfway through a—wait, what were we talking about?
11. Hallmark Cards Don’t Cover This
“Get Well Soon!” How about “Get Through the Day Without Screaming Into a Pillow, You Unkillable Bitch.” Now THAT’S a card.
12. Bathroom Yoga
Ever dry-heaved so hard you had to lie on the cool tile floor and contemplate the futility of existence? It’s basically a spa day.
13. People Mean Well. Bless Their Hearts.
“You’re so brave!” No Karen, I’m just trying to swallow soup without crying.
14. Side Effects: Collect Them All
Why settle for one when you can have nausea, fatigue, joint pain, loss of appetite, and mild demonic possession?
15. The Cancer Diet
Who needs Noom when chemo has me shedding pounds like a haunted snake?
16. Gratitude Journaling Gone Wild
Today I’m grateful I only cried three times before noon and the ibuprofen didn’t taste like battery acid. Growth!
17. “You Don’t Look Sick” Energy
Thanks! I work hard on this dying-inside-but-glowing-outside aesthetic.
18. “At Least It’s Not Worse” Club
Sure, I could be dead. But then I wouldn’t get to enjoy this delightful blend of suffering and sarcasm. So lucky!
19. Alone Time for the Soul
Being alone with your thoughts is a gift… until your thoughts start arguing over which pain is the worst.
20. Still Here. Still Fighting. Still Feral. Hopefully I don’t choke.
At the end of the day, I’m here. Scarred, nauseated, and very likely Googling “can you punch cancer in the throat,” but here. That’s something. Well, until a piece of food lodges in my throat going up or down and I choke out on my bathroom floor.
Final Thoughts:
Fighting cancer is like going to war with your own body while trying to comfort the people around you so they don’t get too upset. But if I’m gonna suffer, I might as well do it loud, proud, and with a giant middle finger to the universe.
Because even if I’m curled up on the bathroom floor…
I’m still standing.
Sort of.
Metaphorically.
Mostly.